Birnam Wood, Conan O'Brien Family, Sport Mouth, and a Golden Retriever Puppy

Wednesday, August 27, 2008 - San Francisco, California

12 pm - Birnam Wood calls Sport Mouth, needs help transporting an 11-week old Golden Retriever puppy to the O'Brien family on the East coast, some 3,000 miles from San Francisco to New York city via one road, I-80 (Why drive? The puppy is in an in between stage developmentally, where fear can be a lasting impression)

12 pm and 30 seconds - Sport Mouth agrees to transport puppy, ROAD TRIP BABY! Toga-Toga!

Thursday, August 28 and Friday, August 29, 2008 - San Francisco, California

Both working days spent handling logistics for trip. Vendors include:

• Budget - Ford Escape, 4 door, all wheel drive, red, Oregon license plate, two men, one puppy and a fuzz buster that no doubt, busted fuzz
  
• Jet Blue - For the flight back - JFK-SFO, $35 for extra leg room in emergency row - what gives? Watching NFL for 6 hours at 30,000 feet - priceless
  
• Rockefeller Hilton - Centrally located to all things of interest, particularly the NBA Store, ESPN Zone, NBC Studios and Times Square
  
• MapQuest - Here and there, to and fro, through the dell, reverse directions, text to your cell, you name it
  
• Note - Even with multi-adapter, one power outlet in the car does not sufficiently charge GPS, fuzz buster, two cell phones, a laptop and a DVD player

Itinerary:

• 9/3 - Leave Sport Mouth no later than 4pm
  
• 9/5 - Arrive in NYC no later than 7pm - that's right, 48 hours Cannonballers and with a full workload, our office became mobile
  
• 9/6 - Drop off puppy in am, tramp around NYC


• 9/7 - Leave JFK at 9:45am

Tuesday, September 2, 2008 - Oakland International Airport, Oakland, California

9 pm - Most rental car companies don't allow for cross country trips, or they charge an exorbitant amount of money in what seems a harmless term, "Drop Off Fee." If they do allow a cross country drop, you can only pick up your car at a major airport, in this case Oakland.

Do you want the GPS? Yes. Do you want a Jeep Liberty, Ford Escape, KIA Santa Fe, etc.... Does anybody really WANT a KIA? What gets the best gas mileage? Jeep Liberty. Sold! Turn over the key in the Liberty . . . start and stall, three times. Not very liberating. March back to the desk, request the Escape. Fire up and head home for escapade the next day, or is it an excursion?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008 - Cotati, California

3:30 pm - Odyssey Begins!

Like any good ship, we christened the voyage with, in this instance, Becks in Pilsner glasses. Don't think broken bottles, think beer down throat. Birnam Wood kennel owner Sylvia monitored packing of the freight and we were off like a dirty shirt.

8:30 pm - Reno, Nevada - Holy shit, we'll never make it on time! Reno is normally a 3.5 hour trip by car. Slammed in Sacramento traffic, it was too early for road rage, which would have to wait for the Ohio turnpike and our nameless friend in the white Buick.

Thursday, September 4, 2008 - Somewhere in Nevada or Utah

12 am - Brandon grabs the wheel, wonders what the loud noise is. Thank someone for the ribbed shoulders that let you, or your co-driver who is also sleeping, know when you've fallen asleep. Ahhh, fatigue is setting in.

4:30 am - Salt Lake City, Utah - Cool, we always wanted to see the Salt Flats, Olympic Rings and Great Salt Lake in the dark, cross those ones off the list. Damn it stinks like the salty ocean, we half expect to see fish on the side of the road - dead. What's this we hear about drinking with a membership only? Mash the gas, put on the Dane Cook CD and get out of the beehive state.

7 am - Western border of Wyoming - Sunrise came Thursday morning in Wyoming as we got gas for the fifth time. Everybody stares at us, the puppy that is. Poor guy, hasn't 2'ed since we left Cali.

12 pm - Cheyenne, Wyoming - Woo Hoo, cowboys baby! And snow fences, and hills, a few people and not much else. NoDoz purchased for the first time, not yet consumed. Later found out, caffeine pills for a soda freak (Andrew) have no effect.

5 pm - Omaha, Nebraska - Knee-high by the 4th of July! If you don't like corn, you best keep movin'. College World Series played here at Rosenblatt Stadium, no truth to rumor that corn stalks used as bats. The Asian family that flipped their box truck gave us a scare. I'm sure they weren't too happy either, especially with all of their belongings strewn about I-80. FYI - every company, advertisement, damn near everything with an "N" in it, used the red Nebraska N to show their allegiance. Cultish, dare we say? Corn or football, you make the choice. What's that? Corn AND football, now you're talking son. We're betting these guys were transient. We thought the Grateful Dead stopped touring, maybe the followers haven't. I Need a Miracle! Just remembered there was a small prairie fire.

9 pm - Des Moines, Iowa - Uhhh? Maybe we should brush our teeth, change our clothes? The puppy finally took a two. What relief for all of us. Every sound from the back conjured a vision of puppy, crate, et al. - covered. No such drama, as no puppy, take that back - no dog has ever traveled so lightly and calmly. We think he went into a hibernating state, maybe aware that a special destination awaited such arduous travel for a puppy, or, little dude sacked out cause there was nothing else to do besides chew on a bone and listen to game one of the NFL season.

Friday, September 5, 2008 - Chicago, Illinois

3 am - Dial-up big sister (Andrew's sister, Heather) tell her we're in the neighborhood, can she receive us? "WTF!!!!!!!!!!," she said. We were not joking and perfect timing, Dad was in town too, from Florida. Dad, come on out, somebody wants to say hi. Grumble, as most do at 3 am, what a surprise. Heather makes eggs, cinnamon rolls, coffee - scratch, guffaw, out the door at 5am. There's a schedule to keep here people!

5 am - 5 pm - Indiana Toll Road, Ohio Turnpike, BEAUTIFUL Pennsylvania Countryside, A Test of Will and Determination

Toll roads, those most undemocratic of infrastructurii. FYI - The Golden Gate Bridge went up to $6 in the Southbound direction. We still don't know what a Hoosier is. In Ohio now, you want to know about the road rage incident. Road rage is a broad term, but in a nutshell, slowpoke wouldn't get over, when he got his doors blown off from the right hand side, he decided to speed up. Snap, oh no you ditint! You did . . . so our car veered left prematurely, making you feel as if you were slighted by the weirdoes from Oregon. Then you drove up alongside of us, we played sarcastically dumb, you slow burned and put your window down. You scared us, but when you left the freeway early, with one last jab, we acted as if to get off at the same exit - you peed your pants - we shot back on the highway. Fin, Fini, The End. Perfect timing once again, we were both dead tired and needed the adrenaline.

Pennsylvania boggled our minds with how beautiful the dense forests, foliage and deep river valleys were. We had visions of the rust belt, ghost-like factories, neglected steel mills. We know it exists, just not here. Turns out, Pennsylvania was our favorite state to see. Shortly before we passed into New York, Williamsport popped up, home to the Little League World Series.

New York surprised us too. Trees were plentiful, the roads were bare, and everything was clean. The Hudson Heritage vista point is a site to see, where dense forests and a glowing sunset shines off of the Hudson River in the distance. The finish line begged us, we were nearing the end of our 3,000 mile kamikaze run, either way, someone was getting a dog.

7 pm - New York, New York - Pulled up to our hotel for the first night, looked like a cross between a prison and a high-rise college dormitory. Hoped for cat fights, found none. Instead, the shower in the room would not turn on, the bed wobbled, and BO was about. Hungry Boy did his bidniz, "one of each", which gave us the best of reasons to switch rooms. Once moved, we showered for the first time in two days (The Horror), caught up on sports, drank beer and ate pizza.

Saturday, September 6, 2008 - New York and Thereabouts

9:30 am - "Did someone order a puppy?" we said. We were greeted by the O'Briens, they were greeted by puppy licks. Good coffee, great doughnuts, fun conversation, from dogs and comedy to cross country treks, biking, beer bottles and one slightly used Ford Taurus - oh yeah baby it exists! The O'Briens are down to earth, genuine, and fine dog people.

11 am - Time to bounce to NYC. Goodbyes, handshakes, kiss the puppy a few more times and Gotham awaits. Big ups to the O'Briens for their hospitality and kindness.

1 pm - Our rude awakening to pick up the pace, as we are not in California, Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio or Pennsylvania anymore . . . ok, ok - Toto! Drive through the intersection! I don't understand the logic here!

2 pm - 2am - Manhattan! Hilton Rock. Drinks in the room. Can you say tropical depression Gustav? We could, to the tune of about 6 inches of rain over a 6 hour period. Thank goodness for $5 umbrellas. Hustlers make money in NYC, for when it rains sell . . . Cabbies know it all and drive like bats out of hell. We did much: NBC Studio tour, which was surreal when we were on the Late Night set, Ed Sullivan Theater, Radio City Music Hall, the NBA store, ESPN the Zone, Ground Zero - personal silence as gravity keeps your mouth shut, Ground Zero fire department, Statue of Liberty in the dark 1,000 yards away, Times Square, Madison Square Garden, and much more. Three hours sleep.

6:30 am - Headed to JFK, which sucks.

9:45 am - Take off

1:05 pm - Land Oakland

What just happened?

All photos here: Portfolio

Andrew Donahey & Brandon Weaver
www.SportMouth.com